Ghosts of what could have been

I sit in the plastic chair at the ink and carving embedded desk. How long ago did all these people who have left their mark in front of me sit here in the very same place as me? What thoughts crept through the endless maze of their minds as they carved in their initials or spread a message of hate, watching the ink seep into the wood? What did they think as they stared out of the thin, rattling window? I listen to their long lost voices whispering around me as my eyes scan the desk. The voices of lost ghosts of the past merging with my thoughts. The impossible feat of all of time conversing at once.

I look out and watch the frost slowly consume the glass panes-freezing the whole world around me. Another world awaits out there, but for now it is nothing but merely a frozen picture and a dream held hostage by time. The voices in the background become nothing but a meditating buzz and hum-a silent echo in synchronization with the deep thud of my heartbeat.

Rolling grey hills stand like statues in the far distance-beyond the rooftops-honoring the times we could have roamed in the endless green fields, mist weaving it’s way in and out of them like our ghosts. Below, the ground is littered with a golden red haze of fluttering, skeletal leaves dancing in the hauntingly sweet wind. Eery lights watch from the windows of the school buildings gathered round the playground-shying away from the growing cold. Naked trees creak in the gnawing wind. All of this comes together like an orchestra to create a perfect harmony.

Snap. I’m back. Back into the reality of this classroom. This prison. I await the day I will be released from the captivity of time. Soon. From the cruel reality of the fact that all my days spent here are washed into one when I could have spent more time out there. Living. Learning. Breathing. Not wasting a second of appreciating the art around me.

Soon.

Soon.

-Kat

 

 

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When summer changed me

Here I am, rambling on to you all about my old (long gone) friend summer again. Oh dear. In my last post I said I’d post something a bit brighter and this isn’t really a happy over-the-top ‘I WON THE LOTTERY!’ post. But it’s not a really sad ‘MY CAT DIED’ post either. So grab your cups of tea or whatever other hot beverage you enjoy (tea is life though) and get your cosiest socks on because you’re in for a bumpy ride (I love that bit in Harry Potter on the Knight Bus).

This summer was a long, eventful-and life changing one for me. I went through a lot of experiences that changed me as a person (for better I HOPE…). I didn’t just grow taller (when will I ever stop growing? Soon I’ll be a beanstalk…) but I grew inside if that makes sense. So I grew my mind (???!!!)…I grew as a person. I learnt a lot of things about myself. Let’s face it- I grew up.

It was all fine and dandy and it felt like those long summer days would last forever, till I got back to ‘real’ life. School. The same everyday routine. The desperate hope awaiting the weekend. Yes all of that stuff that I’m sure we’ve all experienced some time or other. It was sad saying goodbye to summer-and for the first few days I felt like I was missing something. That freedom and adventure-not remembering what day of the week it was. But I tried to make myself look forward to going back to school and be excited by going back to school shopping. By telling myself that it would be fun to have new lessons and meet new people. And then soon, like everything, the memories of summer were washed away to the back of my mind. It was almost as if I didn’t want to remember because it was too painful.

When I went back to school and saw my friends again, it felt a bit strange. A bit different. It felt like they were the same people as always but I had changed. And that is when I realised that over the summer-though I may still be the same person at the core-I’m very different. It’s almost like I’ve moved on. People change and people grow but the thing is I don’t feel the same with my friends. I don’t feel like I’m enjoying myself as much when I’m with them. If I had started school all over again and met them for the first time now…I don’t think I would have really made friends with them. I just feel like I don’t really…fit in (I know I know…that sounds so cliche…). Maybe I’m still just adapting back into school life. Who knows?

Do any of you feel the same or have you ever felt the same? What experiences did you have over the summer? Do you think you’ve changed? Let me know in the comments 🙂

– Kat

 

Starting the dreaded Year 10

As you have already most likely gathered from the title, I’m starting Year 10. YEAR 10. In other words-my GCSE’s. And after one long assembly drilling into my head that it’s going to be one of the hardest times in my life, I am terrified. I feel like I am going to fail them already. I suppose that I am kind of excited to do subjects that I really like-not wasting time that I could spend developing my interests sitting in a classroom not enjoying what I’m being taught.

I remember when I was younger, I always thought I had ages till my GCSE’s. I thought it would be fine and I’d have time to study and revise and whatever. I thought that I had a lifetime ahead of me before I had to take the exams. But time has gone so quickly, it feels unfair- almost like I should have had more time before this. Because after this I won’t be a child anymore. I’ll be out there in the real world.

But then there is that ball of fear-that little knot deep down in the pit of my stomach, getting bigger everyday-knowing that every second I am closer to sitting in that exam room, turning over the paper-the clock ticking-and not knowing ONE thing. Everything I would have learnt and revised for that moment disappearing from my memory. And from there I can see my future and any dreams I have going completely downhill. I fear being a failure, in 2 years (or nearly 1 I think) time opening that envelope to see the lowest grades possible stamped all over the paper.

So many people have done their GCSE’s. So many people have passed and got good marks. I always tended to get quite good marks at least until now, but I’m still worried. Maybe you think I’m over-exaggerating? Maybe you think I’m being a drama queen? I don’t know.

I guess that really, what do those numbers and letters on a piece of paper really matter. We’ll all die one day soon and then those papers will be shredded into nothing. Because they will have no value. Life goes so quickly that as long as I pass my exams (even though I will try to aim for a higher grade) I guess I still have a chance.

If you can relate in any way then comment down below, and I’m sorry if this was a bit of a sullen post-I’ll try to post something a bit more brighter soon.

– Kat

 

Hanging off a cliff (and oh yeah-I’m back)

I’m left hanging off a cliff, waiting for something more. My hands grasping for the crumbling earth beneath my fingers, like time slipping away with opportunities and moments unseized. I could fall and give up. Not care where I end up or what as. Say ‘to hell with it all’ and let my fingers slide away from the edge, my good-as-dead corpse falling through the air.

Or I could heave myself up- stop grasping aimlessly for help, but let independence take me in its arms as it hauls me up. I could do so much and seize every second, make this life what I want it to be. But that would be too hard. Because for that recipe to work you need to add some hope, and the thing is mine is replaced with a “nope”.

Just writing these words that flow so easily in my mind, is like fighting through a sea of crashing waves and back through time. Every letter so carefully edited for the page. So hard to translate it in our way of expression.

My life could be what I want it to be. It could be all that I could ever think and dream, but the thing is I have no hope. No hope at all. I washed it away down the drain with so many of these tears I’ve cried. I’ve washed away my soul and emotions and now I’m just an empty carcass left to rot. My hollow heart drained of any want. Because I can’t even be bothered to find or feel any emotion. But I want so much. And I don’t know how to heave myself up. Now my mind is slowly blurring and these thoughts are slowly merging and I realise that I’d be better of without a soul or a mind or emotions, because now I find I can’t even be bothered to think.

Hello summer, my old friend

So most of you have probably already broken up from school…but I just finished school today, which is pretty annoying that it was so late (I have no idea why we couldn’t just finish school ages ago because we just spent the last week watching cheesy films and doing stupid quizzes, which I actually secretly love…) but still, at last I am now free like a bird….(I have no idea why but the Sound of Music just started playing in my head right then…).

So now that the sun is shining and we’re all getting sun burnt (actually it’s still grey and cloudy here, I doubt that hardly anyone where I live has even ever seen the sun, it’s a mythical being to us, just like Unicorns and Mermaids are to you) and people are flocking to the beach and each day feels like a blur of Déjà vu, it’s time to celebrate and to talk a bit about my old friend, summer (no, summer is not a real person, in case I’m confusing you with all of these brackets).

When the bell finally screeched it’s last ear-deafening ring, which sounded like music to my ears compared to everyone’s shouts of joy which followed, I ran and jumped down the stairs because I am such a little rebel. I turned to look back one last time at my school, radiant in the non-existent sunshine and tears came to my eyes (mostly not because I was going to miss it but because I had just scratched my leg on some prickly thorns and nettles).

It was quite sad having to say goodbye to my very small number of friends (I guess the less you have, the more you miss them). We won’t be seeing each other at all in the holidays because we are all being whisked away to different holiday destinations (where we will hopefully have the blessing of seeing the sun for the first time). I had all these mad fangirl ideas of finding a pair of jeans that fitted us all perfectly and sending it from destination to destination, so that we could re-enact The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (have any of you heard of it????), but unfortunately when I even mentioned it they thought I was just going a bit weird and said that maybe I was overheating (the sun may be non-existent but the heat is scorching, especially trapped inside my school which is like a giant hot water bottle).

It’s such a relief for summer to finally have arrived again, after so many exams and the hectic fuss and drama of everyday school life. The same everyday robotic routine, wake up, breakfast, brush teeth, uniform, get bus, school, go home, go to bed. Even though the summer days do tend to all merge into one big haze (and that rhymes), at least I will have more time to do what I want and hopefully this summer will be a great experience.

And that’s it for today’s post, I hope that your brain is not fizzing and exploding because of so many brackets. Comment what you are doing for the summer. Have you already finished school? What are you excited for this summer?

– Kat

 

 

 

 

 

Musings, rain, tea and candles

I write this wrapped in a fuzzy dressing gown, engulfed in a sea of cushions.

Even though its July, which is supposedly summer, it’s raining. The sky is blank like a piece of paper just waiting for the first splash of ink to paint a picture or write a story. The weather is more like Autumn or Winter-definitely not summer.

As soon as the rain started ambushing the people outside and drumming on the window panes, I closed the curtains, lit a load of candles and put the kettle on (how very British of me).

And now, I sit here wrapped up, sipping on some hot licorice and peppermint tea as I muse about life. And now, the musings shall commence (it might be a bit of a rant…so don’t say I didn’t warn you…)

Recently, I’ve been feeling almost like I’ve skipped a whole chunk of my life. Teenagehood (is that even a word?).

Teenagers are meant to have attitudes and live a load of crazy experiences. Teenagers are meant to be moody, rebellious, have lots of dramas with their friends and be rude to their parents because ‘nobody understands them’. They’re meant to sneak out at night and go to all these parties, make terrible make-up decisions and fashion choices and procrastinate when they’re meant to be revising (actually I’m really good at that last one).

But this is the image of a stereotypical teenager, and the thing is I feel like a whole piece of my life has grown wings and flown away because I don’t fit that description at all. Don’t get me wrong because I’m no saint. I don’t really want to be like the stereotypical teenager either, but it does leave me thinking, why am I so different?

Now I keep thinking how has my so-called ‘teenagehood’ slipped so easily away from me?

I’m in a non-existent stage of my life because I’m not a child nor an adult and I’m not even the ‘definition’ of a teenager.

I wonder if any of you feel the same?

And now that I’ve finished my tea, and it’s finally stopped raining (I wonder how long it will last…), I’m going to go and do something productive and maybe post this later.

– Kat –

PS: Thank you for 20 followers, I know that it’s a very small amount but it feels so weird to think that twenty people in this world have just gone and pressed the follow button on my blog. It feels so strange that twenty people in this world want to actually read what I write!

 

 

 

Types of people at school

Hello blogging universe!

Recently I’ve realized that no matter how cliche it is, at school there are social ‘groups’ or types of people. I though it would be fun (a bit of comedy, eh?) to write a post about the different types of people at my school so let’s hop right in…(what?!)

The rebels: So these aren’t the classic emos that you would expect like in all cheesy teen movies (we don’t really have any in my school). Instead, they’re the ones with the ripped tights and the backpacks with loads of crazy badges and the oversized grunge jackets. They’re the ones who burn their ties at the end of the year just for the sake of it. (OK, so maybe that is a bit Gothic/emo/punk).

My experiences with the star signs

Hey everyone 🙂

So the name of this post might sound a bit weird and witchy and as if I’ve connected with outer space or something-but don’t worry it’s not anything to do with that (actually that would have been quite cool :p).

Today, I decided to write a post about my experiences with each of the star signs: basically, the people I’ve met of each star sign and what they were/are like.

I don’t really believe too much in the horoscopes defining who you are and your personality, but I though this post would just be fun and interesting. It’s going to be a bit of a long post, so bear with me…(also, sorry that I’m missing out Sagittarius and Pisces…I don’t know any!).

The story of how I became a reader

To anybody and nobody in particular,

As you probably don’t know, I am an absolute bookworm. I am that girl who always spends an hour in the bookshop when she’s out with her friends. I am that girl who sniffs all the books in the library and strokes every book’s spine lovingly. I am that girl who sneaks the book she’s reading into ICT (computer) lessons and reads it under her desk. I am that girl who stays up till past midnight just to finish a book and who gets extremely irritated when someone interrupts her while reading. I am that girl who gets over the top excited every time she goes to her friends’ houses and they have books. I am that girl who believes that every fictional character is her friend. I am that girl who cries because she will never be able to go to Hogwarts or visit Narnia or explore Wonderland.

Back to the blog+being the new girl

To nobody in particular,

So. You probably don’t even remember me-I mean come on, I only ever wrote about three blog posts which was quite A FEW MONTHS ago.

I got busy (don’t you just hate it when people say they’re busy and don’t tell you why), and didn’t have time for blogging. I still don’t have time but, hey presto (awkward and just plain weird), I can’t be bothered to do my homework JUST yet.